As a connoisseur of ceremonial first pitches, I thought I had seen everyone and everything throw out as a first pitch.
Athletes, musicians, movie stars, dignitaries, Grimace from McDonald’s (who is also kind of a dignitary of McDonaldland), Hello Kitty and the Rizzler have thrown first pitches in recent years. Hell, when I was a kid, even I threw out the first pitch at a minor league baseball game, and did so alongside the old man mascot from Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.
True story.
But until today, I had never seen a real, live rodent throw out the first pitch… sort of.
The Pittsburgh Pirates welcomed the nation’s — no, the world’s premier rodent weatherman, Punxsutawney Phil, to PNC Field to handle first pitch duties before their Friday game against the St. Louis Cardinals.
First of all, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Phil aside from every Feb. 2 when some guys in a top hat wake him up way too early to see if he sees his shadow, even though they could just look down and see if they see their own shadows and get the same result.
But there he was in late April, wishing he were back in the stump eating… whatever it is groundhogs eat.
PHILLIES PLAYERS SCATTER AS RAT RUNS ALONG DUGOUT DURING ANOTHER LOSS, EXTENDING SEVEN-GAME SKID
Of course, Phil would’ve had a hard time firing off a pitch on his own — and fat chance he gets it across the plate without bouncing it — so one of the top hat guys took the ball and showed it to him.
Phil appeared to give it his groundhog blessing, and then the top hat guy — who I suspect played some baseball at at least the junior college level based on his pitching motion — winged one across the plate on Phil’s behalf.
Which got me thinking: are we witnessing the dawn of the first pitch surrogate?
Sure, a rodent can’t throw a first pitch, but what’s stopping someone from pulling this move?
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First pitches can embarrass the hell out of you if they go awry, just ask Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson. He still hasn’t lived that down.
So why not get a ringer and save yourself the trouble like ol’ Phil did?
Sure, you might get some guff for wussing out, but at least you won’t end up on low-light reels until the end of time.
Right, Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson?!
