Congratulations, we’ve crossed the imaginary start-finish line into May, which means you have probably seen that Justin Timberlake/NSYNC meme several dozen times before you wandered your way into this edition of Nightcaps!
What a month May is, huh? The Stanley Cup Playoffs are in full swing, the NBA playoffs are also occurring (but less fun to watch), and the Kentucky Derby is coming along. Then we close out the month with the best day on the motorsports calendar when the Indianapolis 500 and Coca-Cola 600 take place (and the F1 Canadian Grand Prix, can’t forget that).
It’s also when people start using some vacation time, and that’s why I’m pinch-hitting for Zach and Amber on this glorious late spring Friday… before I also take some time off next week.
The wife and I are headed to a resort for a couple of days for what those of us in Central Florida call a “staycation.”
It’s like a vacation, but I only have to drive 20 minutes from home.
Which some would argue defeats the purpose, but I think that’s what makes it great.
If you forget something you need, you don’t need to pay top dollar in the gift shop, because you can just drive home and get it.
No need to deal with airports or even major highways, either.
But before I post up in a cabana next to a crystalline blue pool, we’ve got some stuff to talk about, so let’s get to it so I can zinc my sniffer (sun safety first) and throw on a pair of swim trunks…
Sophie Lloyd melts your face
How about some tunes to set the mood for this Friday’s edition?
For that, we’re going to turn our attention to Sophie Lloyd, one of the internet’s favorite guitarists who typically plays with Machine Gun Kelly.
But she’s not a one-trick pony who does… whatever it is that Machine Gun Kelly does. She has some serious classical chops, too.
Sure, it’s about a month old, but the algorithm gods dropped it in my feed today, so now you’re seeing it, and I doubt there will be much resistance, if any.
I dig it.
If you need more, go check out her performance at the Rugby World Cup.
You know what, I’ll save you the time.
Here you go, pal:
Is this the greatest cigarette smoker of all time?
Now, we all know smoking is bad for your health, blah, blah, blah, but so is a lot of stuff.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, sit back and watch the greatest cigarette smoker of all time as he blind taste tests five cigarettes and nails it.
I’m not going to lie, I found this nothing short of incredible.
First of all, that man has clearly smoked more than Joe Camel in his career, which means I’m shocked he still has taste buds remaining. I thought they would’ve gotten singed off back when Bush 41 was in office.
But not only are his taste buds still there, but they’re refined enough to pick out the nuances of every lung dart. I wouldn’t be surprised if he could tell you where the tobacco came from.
Although I’m confident that even those of us whose smoking careers consisted of choking down a Pall Mall in high school thanks to peer pressure could pick a menthol out of that bunch.
He went the extra mile and nailed the brand
God bless that smooth Carolina tobacco sommelier and his black lungs.
It has been a rough week for Six Flags
I like hitting up theme parks in my free time, but I’ve never been to a Six Flags, and I hate to say it, the week they’ve had hasn’t made me want to change that.
Let’s start at Six Flags New England, where they had a bit of a problem with the Superman roller coaster in the worst possible place for anyone who’s not fond of heights (*raises hand*).
Well, surely they couldn’t have two high-profile ride malfunctions in one week that left riders stranded high in the air, could they?
Could they?!
Those folks at Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio were only dangling 200 feet above terra firma for ten minutes, but for this hombre, that’s ten minutes too many.
The great backup debate
Now, if you’re a regular OutKick reader, you may know (or not) that I do a weekly column called The Gripe Report, that some — mostly friends, family and well-wishers — call the greatest complaint-based column the Internet has ever seen.
Their words, not mine.
But this week, I hit on something shockingly controversial: backing into parking spots.
A reader named Tom wrote in to complain about people who insist on backing into parking spots even if there is a train of cars behind them, or end up having to sit there and wait while they finish their perfect parking masterpiece.
I actually agreed with that take — have some consideration for the very handsome writer who is just running to Publix to pick up the paper towels he forgot to buy despite his wife asking him several times — but, boy, were the backer-inners ever out in full force.
Rob (whose email was very long and in-depth) had this to say:
Tom’s gripe gets no sympathy from me.
I got my license in ’75, when most American cars were 20 feet long and 7 feet wide. It was taught in driving school and tested for when taking the road test (in Ontario). My road test was in our ’73 Chev Bel Air wagon (the behemoth with the wrap-around rear windows) — we nicknamed it BattleCar Galactica. I had to back into a spot (no camera) and parallel park (among other things) to pass.
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Chris says:
My BIL drives a company pickup as his daily, and his company’s policy is that they always have to back into a spot because the risk of running over someone is greater when you’re backing out of a spot. Given how dangerous and clueless the average Costco parking lot driver is, I’m not sure it’s the worst thing.
Besides, parking in the “close” lot is a sucker move anyway. I pull all the way past the entrance, taking care not to run over any of the clueless shoppers pushing a cart while looking at their phones (who frankly deserve it, but that’s another gripe) and park on the far side. It takes a minute or two more to get in the door, but given that Costco’s mission is to slow me down, it’s small change. Then I can leave in peace out the far exit and avoid the Brodozers and Momspeditions blocking the main exit.
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Then came Mark, just going straight for the jugular:
The remarks below were one of the comments at the bottom of Tom’s whining. Tell Tom to get back in his Prius and go search out a pull-through parking spot so he doesn’t spill his latte.
Anyone driving a full-size truck with a crew cab knows why we back in. It is so we can get out after cars fill in the space around us.
So you can wait a moment while we pull in, or wait much longer when we have to go back and forth trying to get out. Don’t like it- see your Dr and get the medication you need.
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Good times over in Gripe Report country!
Kenny Albert is a hoarder in the best way possible
Kenny Albert is in a league of his own these days as the only announcer who pretty regularly calls all four major North American sports.
Of course, nationally, he’s best known as the lead play-by-play man for TNT’s NHL coverage and does NFL games for Fox.
But it turns out he’s also, in his words, “an organized hoarder,” and showed off some of his old game sheets to Florida Panthers star Matthew Tkachuk on his Wingmen podcast.
He even had one from April 1996 in which Keith Tkachuk scored in the final playoff series in Winnipeg before they moved off to the desert.
This makes me think we need to change the definition of hoarder. The new criteria is if what you hoard is something cool, like these game sheets, you’re not a hoarder.
If you keep awesome career memorabilia or a ton of vintage guitars or cars, that’s not hoarding, that just makes you cool.
But if you’re collecting jars of your own excrement that are buried under a pile of old newspapers, laundry and dead cats, then call the dumpster company; we have a hoarder!
Starbucks CEO says it’s not about $9 coffee, it’s about the experience
You’d think that after the McDonald’s CEO got shoved in a locker repeatedly for eating a burger, as he had only read about how to do it in a book, the head honchos of various chains would lay low or maybe think before they speak.
The Starbucks CEO did not do that.
It’s not that the coffee giant your wife loves is charging you $9 for a cup of coffee, but that you’re paying for the Starbucks experience.
He noted that it is a splurge, but a very reasonably priced “premium experience.”
Wait…
Paying to drink an okay-at-best coffee, watch some douche write his screenplay and listen to someone else take a Zoom meeting without headphones?
ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!
I don’t get it. I’ve never gone to Starbucks for the experience; I went because I had to.
It was only ever because I had to pee, I had to get coffee to keep me from falling asleep, or the internet at my house went out, so I had to go mooch off of the Starbucks.
I’ve always called Starbucks the “bank of coffee,” and I think they should reposition themselves as that.
I go to Starbucks if I want coffee because they’re usually open. It’s more of a utility in my mind than anything. It’s like if my Keurig were a building with a little pink-haired barista inside (thank God, that isn’t the case for real though).
So, Starbucks, listen to me: you’re not a premium experience. You’re the coffee bank.
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That’s it for this Friday edition of Nightcaps!
Have a great weekend!
